The next few blog posts are going to be based on pregnancy and the obstacles we have to face not only during pregnancy, but conceiving and even after giving birth.
My guest for this post is Danielle from My Mummy is a Bookworm She has decided to share with me her journey to becoming a mother.
"We got married. I came off the pill. I thought it would be that simple.
Boy was I deluded.
It started with absent periods, months went by and I had nothing, I did pregnancy tests and they always came back negative. I went to see my GP for advice, and they sent me for some blood tests. The result came back and I found out that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and that this may impact on my ability to conceive.
I was shattered, the reality of having a baby suddenly felt so far away and I felt that it was completely my fault. I couldn’t give myself or my partner what we so desperately wanted - a family.
I was referred to a specialist at St Mary’s Hospital in Manchester and was told that I had to get my BMI down in order to receive any treatment. Again, I was devastated. I have always had problems with keeping my weight down. We discussed options, Clomid was our initial starting point, once I had reduced my BMI the specialist was happy to prescribe a course of this medication in order to stimulate my ovaries.
I went away and managed to shed 5 stone quickly. I exercised like mad, I only ate fresh home-made food, I scrapped refined sugar, I Googled “foods that help PCOS” daily. I drank teas, I made remedies, I took vitamins, I bought books, I became an expert. If there was a recommendation for PCOS you can guarantee that I tried it, I was determined to have this baby. I finally went back to St Mary’s Hospital and by some kind of miracle I had managed to get my BMI down to the required amount.
The specialist prescribed me the Clomid and sent me away to wait for my period to arrive, I had to take the first tablet on this date. I waited and waited but still nothing came. I rang the hospital and they were happy to prescribe me with another tablet that would kick start my periods, however they requested that I abstained from intercourse for at least 2 weeks and do a pregnancy test before they would release it to me. This was to make sure that I was not pregnant before taking the tablet.
I waited two long weeks, I went to Asda, I bought a pregnancy test. It was the cheapest one in the store, I was simply ticking a box, it was a pointless exercise. How could I be pregnant? I went home and disappeared into the bathroom. I did the deed and pretty much as soon as I looked down two blue lines started to appear. I screamed. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed. I was ecstatic. I shouted my husband to come upstairs quickly, we hugged, and we cried, and we hugged some more. Our prayers had been answered and our baby was on the way. We booked a private scan almost instantly so that we could see our baby, we went, and the lady said it was very early on, around 5 weeks meaning that the egg sack was all they could see at this stage.
Skip forward a few weeks. It was the first day of the Easter break, I’m a primary school teacher so I was thrilled about this! My husband was working away so I was home alone for a couple of days. I took our dogs for a walk and got on with my day as normal. I came home, went to the toilet and that’s when it was over. Blood. Only a little, but nevertheless it was there. I knew in my gut that I had miscarried. I knew there was only one way that this was going to end. I went to the hospital several times over the course of the next two days and eventually was admitted. I almost ended up having a blood transfusion and I can hand on heart say that it was the most horrific experience of my life. I entered that hospital carrying my future and I left with nothing but a heavy heart and broken dreams.
A month or so later I started to feel different. I took a test and it came back positive again. I had somehow managed to conceive baby number two. This time I only knew I was pregnant for two days before we had to say goodbye. By this point I was done. The thought of being pregnant was too difficult, I had started to push people away, I had begun to shut down. The sight of a baby, the presence of a pregnant woman, anything at all to do with conception and birth was too difficult to see.
We booked a holiday with our friends a month later. Before we went, I remember texting my close friend from work saying that I thought I was pregnant again. I could feel it in my bones, but I didn’t want to know or accept that it was true. I feared the risk of having to say goodbye to another baby. On the second to last day of our holiday I did a test. It came back positive. Could this be our third time lucky?
I was on edge the whole way through my pregnancy, every day was a bonus. I was anxious, I was obsessed with doing the right things and following NHS advice, any twinge or movement that didn’t feel right had me darting to the hospital or calling my midwife. The further along my pregnancy got the more anxious I felt. People kept asking me if I wanted a boy or a girl, and my response was that I really didn’t care, as long as this baby was healthy it could be anything it wanted to be! I didn’t like getting excited, I didn’t like celebrating too much. I didn’t want to tempt fate and risk the heartbreak of saying goodbye again.
I ended up being induced on 13th March 2018 and in the early hours of 15th March our gorgeous boy arrived. Seb William Jones. The most perfect thing to ever grace this Earth. Since having Seb people have asked me when I am having another baby, the plan was always to have four. But after our experience I know in my heart that I am done. Although there is no saying that anything we went through would happen again I am not mentally or physically prepared to take the risk. We have our miracle - he is happy, healthy and here with us. The more we spend time as a family the more I realise that this was fate. Without those other babies Seb would not be here today and that is unimaginable. I would give anything to have those children here in my arms and their absence only makes me more determined to help Seb have the most amazing life and to make the most of every single moment that we spend together."
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