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Postnatal Depression: Realising You Have It




This post is about me realising I wasn't just stressed, I have Postnatal Depression. It's also a post that I am hoping will show others going through this, that they are not alone and it's okay to talk đź’—

"Postnatal depression is when you have feelings of sadness, hopelessness, guilt or self-blame all the time for weeks or months after you’ve had a baby." (Taken from Tommy's Website)

I guess you could say this started from my antenatal depression. I was 7 months pregnant and our landlord had decided he wanted to sell his house, serving us eviction papers. Imagine that. 7 months pregnant, a nearly 2 year old, Christmas was a month away and I was now being told we would be evicted.

Obviously I was stressed! I wasn't having a smooth pregnancy as it is, I did not need this on top of everything. OJ tried his best to keep me calm, but I could see the effect it had on him too. We spoke to our local council who said there were steps the landlord had to take before we were officially evicted, but that was no consolation. We had to bid on houses, but we were always placed 72nd or really low down, so we knew we had no chance of getting the properties. I hardly slept, didn't eat very well and was so tearful whenever anyone mentioned the house.

Fast forward a couple of months and Zenayah came a week early (and very quickly!). Now I thought I had the baby blues, as well as the stress of the whole housing situation. We had to go to court in March and I had no idea what to expect. We got Legal Aid and our solicitor was really lovely and helpful. We were given 28 days to move out, which meant we would be placed into a temporary hostel. A hostel which had drug dealers in. With 2 small children. Que the anxiety!

But then Covid-19 reared its ugly head and put a hold on everything. The irony was, we were in 1st position for 2 houses, but couldn't go view them. I started to feel slightly less stressed, especially when the government said landlords could not evict tenants for 3 months, which was then extended for a further 3 months. But I was still feeling worried, anxious and irritated. Yes we were in lockdown, it was new for the whole world. I tried to carry on as best as I could, putting my feelings down to Covid.

We recently moved into a beautiful new home and I thought I would feel 100% better, with just the usual new home stresses. But I don't. I get so worried about the smallest things. I don't want to go anywhere. I will make up an excuse, or send OJ with Mayarna to the park, or talk myself out of it. I get so irritated by the slightest thing. I don't sleep, or if I do it's very broken. My eating habits are awful, I eat all the wrong things and then feel so upset with my weight gain. I want to exercise but then feel anxious going out and walking. I try do it at home but between breastfeeding, a teething baby, a 2 year old and everything else in-between, it doesn't happen.

I have spoken to OJ and told my parents and close family/friends so they don't feel offended when I turn them down and can understand. But OJ has said he feels I need to speak to someone professional. No, that's not him being unsupportive. It's him looking out for my mental health and realising I need more professional support than what he can offer. 

Do I feel like a failure? Yes. I wish I was ok. I wish that I didn't have these battles in my head. I wish my heart didn't race whenever I knew I had to go out and socialise. I do go out, but I have to plan it the day before so I can build myself up for it. 

I know better days are to come. I have a great support network and I have recently referred myself to a local mental health service to get help and support. 

It's no shame to admit you need help or you are receiving help. You need to be the best version of you, especially where children are involved. And it's bloody hard being a parent! 

I hope that this blog post helps at least one person, whether you're a mum or a dad. Please don't feel ashamed to talk to someone about how you are feeling, and if you don't have the confidence to do so with someone you know, head over to the NHS Website where there are a range of charities to get in touch with.

Remember, it's okay not to be okay 💗🤗    

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